I don’t think anyone would deny the need for mentors these days.  The internet has created a wave of instant information.  If exposure leads to new ideas and growth then some of us have had a growth spurt for real!  However, being exposed to any and everything isn’t good.  I know people that say, “I’ll try anything once.”  Well sometimes only once is enough!  What if your one-time drug experiment leads you down a path of no-return? What if your one-time of gambling leaves you homeless?  Get the picture?  The point is having mentors to guide one through the life as life coaches, the industries of jobs and careers, providing professional counseling for handling money and the potential to earn or make it and even down to spiritual guidance the need for mentors is great.  After all, admit or not, we all secretly want to learn from others without being judged.

Mentors are great, but manipulation is not! Leaders are chosen and selected.  I do believe that some people are born with a spirit of leadership, power and the ability to influence others.  At the same time having a gift doesn’t equal the absence of learning how to operate in that gift or use those gifts.  Any person of influence understands how powerful one can fill when people follow you or listen to you and learn from your point-of-view and thoughts.  It can be scary, intimidating and even flattering.  However, a real leader will also feel pressure, responsibility and even a little fear.  What if the advice given is wrong or the person that seeks your counsel ends up worse than you found them or it goes wrong and that person loses the ability to cope with decisions you guided them into making?

Even leaders need mentors!  Mentors provide sound advice and at best expose the leader to a different method of thinking, a different scenario of outcomes;  the great mentor plays devil’s advocate to challenge the very thought process of the leader or person to whom he or she is mentoring.  Too often people just want answers, they want people to solve their problems, rescue them from his or herself (I totally get that too).  However, this method of thinking and behavior isn’t helpful at all, but that’s what people seek as it provides an escape from the responsibility of making bad decisions and having to live with the consequences.   Mentorship is never meant to become a replacement for a person thinking and/or operating on his or her own accord.  Its purpose is to guide, provide refuge for the inner thoughts and to help expand a person’s thought process making him or her more valuable in their duties.

From a supervisor on a job, to a person beginning a career, a college student finally moving away from home beginning life as a new adult, changing a career or moving into a new industry, a person starting his or her own business or buying a franchise, or couple getting married and even to a new husband and wife entering into ministry; mentorship is very much needed and appreciated when given.

Manipulation, on the other hand, is NOT needed but so easily confused with mentorship.  Sometimes positions or opportunities fall into our hands.  It’s hard for one to give up or walk away from opportunities even when the person knows he or she isn’t prepared.  Often the role of mentorship is that way.  People can only see the pictures we portray or paint for them and it is often far more attractive than the real thing.  Viewing the outer it is easy to seek mentorship from a person who isn’t ready to be what you require.  Mentoring people looks easy and very flattering.  To have someone value your opinion and live by the creed you impose is power!  To the one who seeks, craves and adores power though the influencing of others, mentorship becomes manipulation.

Manipulation happens so subtly, quickly but its hit is deadly, hurtful, lasting and extensive.  What may have begun so innocently quickly becomes anything but innocent and rather painful.   The differences in mentorship and manipulation lie in the intent (motives) of the one providing the leadership as well as his or her level of wisdom.

Not every mentor is bad or has hidden motives but there are people of influence, charmers that seek to prey on the vulnerabilities of others.  It is their method of operation to strike when a person is weakest and exploit them for their own gain.  It happens EVERYWHERE!  Schools, churches, jobs, you name it a predator is a predator.  How can you tell the difference?

• A mentor is a guide and will help you find answers, not tell you how to think

• A mentor will always establish boundaries and limits.  In other words, you may not have access to them 24/7.  That’s not helpful.  That’s a licensed therapist and in that case you call them.  A person assisting you cannot become your shadow or your conscience.  After all, he or she is teaching YOU to walk in your calling or gift they aren’t performing it for you!

• A mentor will operate in wisdom and may not answer every question and will not give you immediate answers.

• Manipulation is controlling and leaves one feeling less confident not more, where as mentorship will help you development the person within you and trust your own instinct.
• Manipulation will do things FOR you relieving you of the pressures you feel.  A mentor will hold your hand and be a listening ear while you go through knowing that on the other end you will be better for the experience.
• Manipulation keeps you in a “baby or child-like” state, while a mentor will watch you grow and experience growing pains.
• Mentorship makes you independent, while manipulation celebrates your co-dependence
• Mentorship you see and feel the progress and eventually you lean on the mentor less and less.  The relationship never dies and there is always a sense of gratitude and appreciation but the need and demand decreases.  In manipulation, the need never dies and the manipulator always seems to hold tighter as soon as a sign of growth appears.  Manipulation cannot end because the manipulator is living off your need for them.
• Manipulators want clones not independents.  They see your independence as a threat to them.
• Manipulators always require payment and never allow the debt to be settled.  A mentor wants you to be great and is most happen when you are independently successful.

Never feel embarrassed or do not remain unlearned for what you do not know.  Mentorship can be and are a great tool.  Just always be mindful to be mentored and not manipulated.

I’ve been there.  I’m so grateful that I outlived what happened to me and am now able to help others!

Kimberly Davis

Once manipulated but now A MENTOR

OVERCOMER!