IT SHOULDN’T BE THIS HARD……..FIVE WORDS THAT SHOULD NEVER BE SPOKEN

Getting married was nothing like I thought it would be. While the proposal was magical and happened just as I asked God for, the wedding was non-existent. Now as I grew, I didn’t care about the wedding or lack of a wedding. It was the marriage that I wanted. I had no clue nor did I think to even ask my husband who had been married twice before if this time he meant it to be forever. Those were the vows we took. That was the commitment and promise he made. We knew beyond a reasonable doubt, God sent us to one another. THAT’S IT THE END!

However, neither of us thought about, understood or even knew the ways to build a successful marriage and we met one another at a time where we were both broken and in a dismissal place under the leadership of wicked people. One of the first things to bring us closer to one another was the discovery of the wicked leadership who performed a marriage ceremony and then began the process of trying to tare us apart. We didn’t even know or understand how our own personal backgrounds would affect the way we handled one another, and determined how we viewed the actions of each other. Instead of learning each other, the people with whom we were around spoke so loudly that too often we judge one another based on their perceptions, thoughts and ideas. As a couple it’s crucial to whom you lend your ear. I’ve said it before and will repeat infinity….. YOU CANNOT TALK ABOUT YOUR SPOUSE WITHOUT TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF! Likewise the people such as (siblings,parents, cousins, friends and even children) who speak about one spouse is inadvertently speaking against the union and the other spouse. The two of you are one. And while being one doesn’t mean to be absent of individuality it does speak about the person you are, your character, your mindset and your identity. I mentioned in the previous blog how we had so many around us that spoke against our union. We may have even told ourselves that the opinion of others didn’t matter, but what it does is alters, changes and confuses the way you look at your spouse. Not everyone who gives advice be it solicited or unsolicited advice means evil but their words speak either life or death to the union. Our union had mountains stacked against it.

We knew some married couples, but none of them did we know well enough or trustworthy enough to hear, be objective, listen and provide valuable feedback and insight. On the outside, everything with those couples appeared good. Yet we were struggling. From issues that appear vain to combining a blended family, combining finances and two broken people trying to become a whole unit, we just didn’t seem as if we could get it together. For that reason, I know my husband felt trapped and often said; “it shouldn’t be this hard”. Boy was he wrong. Things are as hard as we make them. Until you build a successful marriage you cannot speak about how difficult it is to have one. Until you build ANYTHING you can’t speak to the difficulty of it or decide that something is too difficult. Wisdom whispers and when you are in the thick of pain and hurt; she is almost impossible to hear nor do you desire to listen. We both considered ourselves able to hear God and solve our problems. However, I didn’t know all of his concerns and he never understood my hurts. I don’t know why a person married twice before didn’t understand how difficult it is to merge multiple ideas into one marriage.

You are combining generations of past thoughts, ideas and habits into one marriage. Unless you fully understand those and make a conscience effort to evaluate, overcome/implement the things needed while disgarding those curses that must be destroyed; one will make the same decision over and over again. Both of us had those things that needed to be uprooted and neither of us fully saw them or even sought God to reveal them (yes it is possible to have problems, issues or patterns that you don’t notice). Additionally, the lack of boundaries over our marriage played a major role. The absence of boundaries=the presence of hurt and pain. You may as well leave the door open for the enemy to come in and he surely did. Again, the presence of real emotional, social, physical hurt makes it difficult to see the spiritual side of anything!

So when a person says those famous five words: “it shouldn’t be this hard” he or she has no clue on what it takes to build anything! From a business to marriage (which is ministry), it requires a lot of work! IF it were easy, there wouldn’t be divorce at all! Those words will make one run away everytime! Whether it was pushing past financial setbacks, loss of jobs, lack of achieving goals, failed businesses, etc…those words were a rhythmn and a tone in our marriage. When you feel that you are experiencing unusal difficulty it will make one want to give up and even give one ammunition to do so. That phrase is so ignorant and yet powerful at the same time. The ignorance lies in not knowing or seeing how hard it is to build someone which is essentially what you do in a marriage! God designs and picks us in the spirit realm and so you will be one another’s strength. That means EVERYTIME you must show up in that area of strength even when you feel tired or grow weary doing it. You will show up sometimes without appreciation. Your partner will not always see it, but it’s your job, your role and vice versa. Those five words; “it shouldn’t be this hard”, showed up anytime we setout to do anything. In our mind the things other couples did effortlessly, we struggled to do. Was that true? Not at all, but that was the perception. Everytime there was a failure or setback, those words came to light yet without real corrective action. It wasn’t a secret as to why things kept failing. One must be willing to put in some work, to do something differently, if a change in action would occur. Those actions never went into play. Repeated failures without corrective action will kill anything you are trying to build! The corrective actions are never one-sided. You are now a couple, becoming one. There isn’t anything that one person can do that will not affect the other and vice versa.

Before we fully understood marriage, those words were said. Truthfully, speaking as the blog is unfolding, I know my partner still feels this way and incorrectly so. When you set your mind to believe something even if it is incorrect, you will hold fast to that belief until it no longer serves your purpose. A lie believed as the truth has the same effect. We hear successful people say how hard it is to build a business, a house or anything and yet we still move or enter into agreements, marriages, ministry somehow expecting it to not be difficult! It makes zero sense! Nothing opens or makes one vulnerable like pain, so as I talk to couples, as I speak to couples who have survived and are thriving; I understand that it is hard and that ultimately it is a choice! LOVE IS A CHOICE! Everyday you wake up choosing the person with whom you want to fight with. There is no such thing as easy. You do not get to have real love without the possibility of real hurt.

BEFORE YOU SPEAK THIS FIVE WORDS OF DEATH, “it shouldn’t be this hard”, TO ANY SITUATION IN LIFE GET UNDERSTANDING!

1. There is a reason the Bible says, “with all thy getting, GET UNDERSTANDING!” What good is a WORD FROM GOD, that you don’t fully understand nor do you understand how to apply it! Before you speak to a situation you do not have expertise on, GET AN UNDERSTANDING! As it relates to marriage, the disclaimer is in the vows: “for better or for worse”! That’s more than a clue, don’t you think! It’s proof it’s going to get rough! So for those words to be spoken; “it shouldn’t be this hard” means God is a liar. hmmmm We all know HE CANNOT BE THAT!
2. ASK YOURSELF if you are qualified to decide just how difficult a task can be. In other words, where is your point of reference. Neither of us, knew anyone we trusted to confide in. We didn’t join groups nor did we do therapy. We thought at one time we were able to counsel others after we passed some rough spots. The ignorance came in thinking that oneday there wouldn’t be a fight! The enemy will always attack God’s plan. Marriage is one of God’s plans.
3. THINK! Everytime my husband and I have separated or entertained the idea, it has ALWAYS BEEN RIGHT BEFORE A GREAT BREAKTHROUGH! EVERYTIME! This time the breakthroughs were emotional and mental. I think this time in areas that really made all the difference, where issues can/could be uprooted! The breakthroughs do not come because of the separation, the breakthroughs are already in progress but the patience or lack of it, and the inability to see the pattern of running is a behavior that only the runner can cease.
4. Make sure these words (“it shouldn’t be this hard”) aren’t your little thoughts! And yes I said, little! Only a small mind would look at something large, powerful, big and ordained by God and think it would be easy. NOTHING MIRACULOUS GOD DID OR USED OTHERS TO DO WAS EASY! NOTHING! Marriage is Ministry, why do we think it would be any different.
5. REVIEW! Have you ever completed anything? If you don’t have anything in your rear view of completion, you have no point of reference for difficulty or difficult task. All you know is easy. When one has the spirit, the mind of a finisher, he or she will not always be so quick to walk away from where you have been planted. OBSTACLES ARE DESIGNED TO STOP YOU FROM ACCOMPLISHING YOUR GOALS AND REMAINING PLANTED. PUSHING THROUGH THE OBSTACLES IS A SIGN OF GROWTH AND MATURITY.
6. WHAT DO THOSE FIVE WORDS ACTUALLY MEAN? Deciding what is hard or isn’t hard is relevative and based on one’s growth and maturity. For some people, they want picture perfect, although they know full well they aren’t perfect! For others, hard could just mean something went against their plan or idea even if the they idea wasn’t realistic. “it shouldn’t be this hard” is saying nothing concrete but the impact of those words are detrimental! Does it mean you quit or you back out because it’s hard? What is your definition of hard?! Does it mean you have the wrong spouse or partner? Too often we quote things, live by sayings that we do not think through?! IF faith cometh by hearing then repeating the Words you SPEAK is hearing them twice! Based on five words, people are quitting businesses, jobs, marriages, relationships, etc…
7. MEN AND WOMEN DO NOT THINK THE SAME, PROCESS THE SAME NOR SEE THINGS THE SAME & THEY SHOULD NOT…… Again, not something I fully understood. Now I’ve said that before but I still expected him to think like me & he expected me to think like him although neither of us were communicating effectively. There is a place in marriage of familiarity where you learn or know the aggravating things your partner does. When you are upset (which usually means one person is feeling let down, disappointed, hurt or angry) even when the other partner is being sincere, you will not view his or her actions this way. So instead of communicating deeper, one or both of you will shut down assuming the other one knows why. Men do not process things like women. A woman will immediately remember a similar scenario and declare that her husband should remember, should have known and become totally upset at the idea that he didn’t know or remember an incident before. Likewise, men will assume since she knows everything anyway, she should definitely know why he is angry this time without the need for additonal communication; both parties are wrong.

When assumptions become the norm over communication, frustration sets in. Many people feel the longer you are with someone the easier it gets but actually time once again does nothing but pass. It’s how you use the time, the investment and how you learn to continue communicating. Just because one incident sparked this reaction or caused this pain, doesn’t mean in a similar scenario everything is the same or it could; either way communication is the only way to gain an understanding. Additionally, time could work against a couple, a job, a friend because you look at it in a moment of frustration and decide it’s been a waste. So in one moment, you view the entire process as a waste of time going nowhere. You forget how far you’ve come together, what you have overcome to get to that place and walk out thinking it will be easier. WRONG!

ANYTHING WORTH HAVING IS WORTH FIGHTING FOR! The fight will not always look the same or even be about the same things, but there will be a fight. Ask an Entrepreneur or a successful CEO or anyone you admire; if they have accomplished anything it was hard, but they will tell you it is worth it. I’m not sure why when people tell us things are hard, we assume they don’t mean what they say or they it will not apply to us. However, it does, it is hard, it is work and you only fail, if you quit.